A cheating husband
Although the familiarity in the tone of those texts did not ring true for just a one-night stand, when I asked you, yet again you reassured me. You arranged for me to go to a Relate appointment with you the very next day, to which I'd agreed. Five minutes before we were due to go in for our session, you broke the devastating news that you had indeed been having an affair — for 18 months.
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My world fell apart. I was utterly distraught. You were my world — my friend, my only lover — and you had completely betrayed and hurt me to a degree beyond my comprehension. You had also spent some of our family money on this woman and taken her away for weekends. You said you had purchased several bottles of wine every time you met her, as you put it, to help you "do the deed" as it was "just drunken sex". You bought her flowers, a photographic memory book with pictures of you together and a necklace for her birthday. You took her away to several concerts, including the V festival.
You took her for a night in a hotel the day after Valentine's day, which was also a couple of days before her birthday. And all that time you were lying to me about who you were seeing and what you were doing. I was so trusting. The woman is a work colleague and you obviously still see her every day, even though you have said you are no longer "seeing" her. I am not sure that I believe you after so many lies for so long. Unfortunately, I will never know whether you are still seeing her, as you can just do as you please now because you are no longer with me.
You fooled me so well. Use your senses to cope with difficult emotions. Focus on one sense at a time and find ways to connect with it in the current moment. For example, notice all the sounds around you from nature sounds to footsteps in the room next door. Take time away if you need it. Living in the same home may be difficult, so you may want to find a friend or family member to stay with temporarily.
If you choose to stay in the same home but feel uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed, sleep separately for the time being.
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This can be trickier if you have kids. Let your husband know this is temporary. If possible, tell him a return date so that you can both prepare to come back together. No good will come of blaming yourself for the affair. You will only feel bad about yourself. If you feel partly responsible, then take responsibility but leave the blame. Extend kindness and understanding to yourself. Learn to love yourself by supporting your health and well-being and by sending love to yourself and those around you. Ask questions you need answers to. Some partners prefer not to hear the details of the affair, but if knowing them will help you forgive and recover, ask.
Try to focus on emotional questions rather than logistical questions. For example, instead of asking which hotel they met in, ask your husband why he decided to cheat. This is a healthier way to move towards forgiveness.
Ask your husband if he intends to leave you or if he wants to stay and make the relationship work. Clarifying this as soon as possible will help you prepare for the future and move forward. Talk about how you feel about the affair. Affairs can bring up many feelings, fears, and insecurities. This will allow you to express yourself without going into blaming or shaming your husband. Listen to how your husband feels. He may have excuses or he may have a lot of regret, sorrow and self-loathing to share with you.
Hearing your husband take responsibility for his actions and express empathy toward you can be comforting. If you both want your marriage to continue, it is important your husband shows remorse for his actions. While you should try to support his needs in the marriage, you should not have to accept blame for his cheating. Create boundaries for talking about the affair. Ideally, you do not want the affair to be the center of your relationship. Boundaries can help you discuss it in a healthy and productive way. For example, if one of you wants to bring it up, make sure you have enough time to have a real discussion.
If you and your husband have children, agree not to discuss the affair with them. Confirm the outcome of your relationship. He should be clear in saying that he wants the relationship to work and be rebuilt. If you know you want to divorce, let him know that clearly. When you are ready, you can return to physical intimacy as well. Remember that forgiveness is for you. While your husband may feel relieved by your forgiveness, keep in mind that forgiveness has more to do with you than it does with him. Holding on to anger and resentment hurts you more often than it hurts him. Forgiveness means letting go of pain and resentment and being willing to move forward.
Forgiving your husband does not mean that you have to stay in the marriage if you don't want to. That said, if you stay in the marriage, forgiveness will help you heal and move on. Let go of the affair.
Recognize that if you stay together, both you and he need to build a new relationship and not try to recover the previous one. Be willing to move in a new direction and create something fresh. Letting go of the affair means that the desire to create something new must be more powerful than the desire to resent him or stay locked in the past. Have a letting go ceremony together where both of you write down what you want to let go of, then burn the papers.
This can provide some closure as well as create an opening for the new relationship to blossom. Therapy can help to create new roles in the relationship and frame the future differently from the past. You may even find a therapist who specializes in infidelity. You can also call a local mental health center or get a recommendation from a friend or a physician. In fact, this practice will likely negatively impact both of your trust.
In order to rebuild trust , start by open and honest communication. Choose to believe what he says instead of questioning it or doubting it.
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While it can take time to rebuild trust, be hopeful in moving forward. When you create a new relationship with your husband, find new ways to connect and be partners together. If sex was an issue, find ways to work together for mutual pleasure. Be there for each other in new and meaningful ways. Take turns writing in it and supporting each other.
Talk with your closest friends and family. Going through this experience can be difficult on your own. Reach out to trusted friends or family members you can talk to about your experience. This can help them know how to best respond to your needs. While you should vent your feelings, make sure that you don't spend all of your time criticizing or insulting your husband.
Not only will this make it harder for you to heal but it will put your friends in a difficult position if they are friends with your husband. Instead, focus on asking your friends for their support and help. Join a support group. You are not alone in your experience. You can also get advice and share resources with one another and learn how others have forgiven their husbands.
There may be a support group in your local community. If not, find one online. Look for support from church and community groups. Reach out to your community for support. Whatever you do, be clear in creating boundaries so that your privacy is protected.
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Help your children feel supported. Most couples choose not to tell their children about an affair. Even if you do not disclose the affair to your kids, they will likely pick up on tensions in the home or between their parents.
Assure them of your love and support. Family therapy can help you determine how your children may be impacted by this event and how you can help support them. I caught him with another woman.
He beat me in front of her. Then he came back and told me he loved me. What should I do? I still love him.