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An affair can be a way to make a move in a stagnant relationship rather than hang out in limbo for years. But cheating is also generally a very painful experience for one or both committed partners. To each his own. But by and large, most people in the Western world still choose to function in mutually agreed-upon committed relationships. So it makes sense to explore what prevents cheating and how to protect your relationship from it, or at least stack the odds in your favor.
Especially because cheating can have a negative effect not just on adults in relationship, but on young children who depend physically and emotionally on the stability of adult relationships.
Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love , has written on the importance of having explicit agreements. There should be a conversation on what constitutes cheating, because initially partners may not be on the same page.
Partners can have very different ideas on what constitutes an emotional affair, and if it qualifies as cheating. The best defense against cheating is a great relationship. Make sure to step it up in areas that are weak, and to communicate honestly about what you need to feel fulfilled and fully happy. Do things together that challenge you to grow together. We all change as we age. How do they keep up with yours?
Read books together, attend seminars, or find a good online relationship education program to keep your partnership on the cutting edge of moving forward so you are continually discovering one another. You need to be safe enough to your partner that you get the full skinny. Encourage honesty with alot of compassion and no judgment. Find out the few things about your partner that no one else knows.
This knowledge makes you valuable in a way few others can replicate. Jealousy is natural, but try to focus on wooing your partner even more with your talents and capabilities. Only the positive reasons for being together hold up as glue that will protect you from others getting in on the action. The old-time stigma of seeing a couples counselor is long-gone. Go in before you have major issues. After is often too late for counseling to be fully effective.
We all have blind spots in the way are with others. Some of those come from our family history, such as the things our parents tended to do in relationship, or more importantly, what they did not do with one another. Our map of healthy, secure relationship is usually only as good as what we have seen and experienced first-hand.
Counseling, even a few sessions here and there, can help us develop a more comprehensive map of how to tend to our partnerships and share life together more enjoyably. You have to be the go-to person. Those others sometimes form the basis for an affair, or an emotional bond that replaces our partner, or takes energy away from the partnership that it really needs to grow and adapt.
Think of being a partner as applying for a job every day. Why should your partner keep you around and not fire you? What do you do that someone else cannot easily do instead? This is, more than anything, the secret to preventing separations and break-ups, and it works much better than fear and guilt. We are not wired for monogamy. Adulterers often fool themselves into thinking that this time will be the only time or the last time. This could be true, of course, although unlikely; in any case, it is a way to rationalize and justify a "one-time" dalliance.
If you feel tempted and want to avoid doing something you'll regret, keep in mind the long-term consequences of cheating, including the harm it will do to your partner and your relationship, to any children you have or any whom may result from your adulterous liaisons , as well as to your image of yourself.
Also, consider that if you give in to temptation this time, you are more likely to give in the next time, and before you know it you've established a pattern. This is drawn from George Ainslie's work on resolve, which is often applied to instances of weakness of will like struggles with dieting: Social support and pressure, whether from friends or strangers, can be enormously helpful in fighting temptation; Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous are just the most common examples, but friends, especially those who openly admit their own adulterous temptations, can be invaluable as well.
Find someone you can be open with and who understands why you're tempted, and he or she may be available to "talk you down" perhaps "talk you out of bed" would be more accurate. You can even commit to contacting this person every day or every week to tell them that you avoided cheating since you last talked—whatever works. Be open with your partner. This may be the most difficult strategy, but perhaps the healthiest one for your relationship.
No one is saying it's easy to admit to your partner, the last person in the world you would ever want to hurt, that you are tempted by not merely attracted to another person. But if you feel yourself succumbing to the temptation, then it is likely to hurt your partner one way or the other—and the pain will certainly be less if you tell him or her when it's just temptation and not after it's a fait accompli. Your partner may be hurt, of course, but hopefully he or she will also be grateful that you felt comfortable enough to be open about it, and that you talked to him or her about it rather than doing something that the relationship could not survive.
See here for a list of my other posts on adultery at Psychology Today. On the other had, in times that I did have regular sex and sometimes twice a day, I didn't have the slightest bit of sexual interest in even very attractive women. So, if you are tempted by another woman, it might be a sign that you get to little sexual satisfaction with your partner. Or you could consider being an honest poly.
Either way you have to be honest with your feelings, and the people they will affect, honestly. You could be upfront with the "mistress" if it is a specific person and get their assistance to stop yourself. If your temptation to cheat is related to self-validation if you are some level thinking: When your opinion of yourself is genuinely good, you don't need constant validation.
This is not a deliberately provocative statement: So why would you be giving advice on how to avoid a natural urge to have multiple sexual partners? This is due to value judgment. Apart from the fact that morality-based value judgments should be excluded from scientific discussion, it would be more helpful to first establish that resisting temptation is a good thing. This is by no means established.
Any form of repression, as any psychologist knows, is likely to be harmful as represed feeling reemerge somehow. A person repressing the urge to have a sexual liason outside their primary relationship is likely to exhibit fristration, aggression and blaming behaviors towards their partner. On the flip side, people who have these liaisons are often reported to appreciate their primsary partners more, and enjoy reduced stress and anxiety- as you would rationally expect. This is like advising a child how to resist playing with a toy. I think rather than reinforcing society's ridiculous values which most people freely ignore ayway it is time to question this commonly accepted divergence between our stated and revealed values.
I did "establish" that resisting temptation is a good thing to when I qualified my post by saying "if you think adultery is wrong. Of course that is a value judgment, but one that each person must make from himself or herself; I'm just offering advice for those who made a particular judgment.
If it takes a great deal of effort on one's part to not have sex with other people, that may be probably is a sign that the individual is simply not wired to be monogamous. A different scenario is if one has simply fallen out of love with their mate and has fallen in love with someONE else. In other words, if a person is tempted to sleep around despite having a partner, they are simply not naturally monogamous and will be unlikely to stay faithful or be satisfied in that mono relationship long term.
It would be like a homosexal trying to stay faithful and content in a hetero relationship. Because of societal pressures they might try but they would be forcing themselves. It's not their natural leaning. I was honest with my husband. I felt very attracted to a bloke, absolutely no relationship or sex involved, and I told my husband. He never forgave me and after 20 years of happy marriage he wanted a divorce. I love my partner very much but he is not physically my type.
I cheated on him once and it was sordid and horrible which was just what I wanted. I don't want to hurt my partner but I want to have sex with another man.
I haven't had sex with any other man in a decade. I am finding it particularly difficult at the moment. I also love my partner and she IS my physical type but I've been thinking a lot of straying after 16 years. I went into great detail about my rationalization for doing so on a ridiculously long and not spell checked comment on a Redbook artcile about the cheating website Ashleymadison, a few days ago: While my wife is my physical type, I am sexually frustrated.
I am considering talking to her and just confessing all of these thoughts to her as this Psychology Today article suggests. In fact, part of me hopes that just being honest will help all around, sexually and otherwise. However, as a typical? If I tell her the truth about how I feel then I don't get to enjoy these terribly unrealistic fanatasies about cheating any more. I do get that the reality of an affair would likely be quite sordid and horrible, as you stated about your actual experience in your post.
It is also likely to--on balance--do a lot more harm than good to my life and the lives of those I'm close to, including my children. You women look so darn good. I have come across this page after doing some research hoping to get some answers about how I'm feeling, I've noticed it was posted some years ago but also wondering if that might help with the answers I need, did you tell your partner how you felt? Did you fulfil the desire to stray?
How do they keep up with yours? Make sure to step it up in areas that are weak, and to communicate honestly about what you need to feel fulfilled and fully happy. After all, he believed that:. YOU will blow her mind. Rowling outlined the importance and value of failure.
And what was the outcome, I have been with my husband almost 14 years an married for 6 so far with 3 children, I'm still young early 30's I felt I had everything I needed and mostly satisfied with the bedroom activities, but recently I started to get the urge that I wanted to find any attractive man that fits the description of the fantasies I'm getting and who tells me how sexy or attractive I am, I came very close to fulfilling it but something held me back, I felt very proud of myself for a couple of days but the urges have got worse and I don't know what to do whatever you decided did it help in any way?
Addition to my last comment: I'm sure this sounds like a terrible come-on, but if you'd like to email me I would enjoy learning more about your situation and what you're going through I have read through each and every post thus far and they have all been very helpful, even the one that wants to contradict cheating in general. I have been with my wife for 8 years we have 3 children. We have relations once every three or four days and it kills me. I want her everyday and sometimes twice a day.
The selfish side of me is infuriated that I promised myself to her and only her and i have to be constantly deprived. It is worse that in my head I rationalize cheating as only for the sectual pleasure and it would not be to leave my wife for another woman. The long term consequences would be dear but it still sometimes seems worth it to take the chance. I didn't know if there was a book that maybe helped someone in my situation or a resource that was useful.
Keep your interactions professional. Talk about your partner. If you find yourself in a tough spot, bring up your partner casually in conversation. This will serve as a reminder to both you and others that you are not available. Wear your wedding ring. This is a great way to show the world and to remind yourself of your commitment. If you cannot wear it while working, consider getting a tattoo. You might consider a bracelet or even a piece of yarn.
Spend time with faithful friends. Spend a little less time with your single friends while you are struggling with these desires. Opt for more time with your married friends, instead. Do not disconnect completely from these friends. Simply avoid going out with them to bars; opt for activities like lunches and movies instead.
In the heat of the moment when you feel tempted, call a friend. You can tell them about the situation so they can talk you out of it, or you can use them as a distraction to your desire. Once you get off the phone, you will likely have built up the courage to resist.
Well, she just invited me back to her place for drinks. I need you to talk me out of it. Get to know their family. If you cheat, you will hurt your family and the family of the other person, too. If this person is a coworker or friend, take opportunities to get to know their family. Use occasions like office Christmas parties to introduce yourself to their spouse and kids. If you are having issues in your relationship, avoid confiding in people you have feelings for.
Rely on your partner or your platonic friends to discuss these things. You can talk to family, as well. Set a time limit. When tempted, step away from heated moments and agree to give yourself an hour to think. Oftentimes, once this time limit is up, the moment will have passed and you will decide against making a bad choice. Get in touch with your spiritual side. Spirituality or religion can be a great source of strength during this tempting time. Turn to your local center of worship for help with remaining faithful and find accountability partners there.
Spend time in prayer or meditation at night. A pastor or other leader who has a steady, thriving marriage can also counsel you and your wife to strengthen your marriage. You can also try becoming more spiritual with your partner. Invite them to places of worship and ask them to pray or meditate with you.
Imagine your partner walking in. You might have a regular flirtation with someone already going at this point. Imagine also if the situation were reversed and they had an inappropriate relationship. Think on how that would feel for you. Get to the root cause of your desire. Reflect on your desire to cheat.
You and your partner might be fighting a lot lately, as well. Think about what is truly motivating your desires and then work to address them. For instance, if you are not happy with your sex life, suggest something new to your partner to spice things up. This can be a chance to identify and fix what's wrong in your relationship! Instead of thinking of the sexual or romantic things you could be doing with someone else, do those things with your partner. Surprise them with a gift or a picnic.