So your wife cheated
Contents:
What makes dealing with infidelity so difficult for men? Why can't we let it go?
'Don't be me and live with regret': a man's letter to other men tempted to cheat
The Stubborn Images in Your Head. Embracing a Lust for Life. The hardest thing for men in that situation is to let it be history.
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That's rather ironic, given that women often complain about men compartmentalizing everything else. We just had a fight? We just had sex? Let's watch a movie. Why can't we compartmentalize the idea of our wives being unfaithful? Can This Marriage Be Saved?
How Do Most Men Respond to Infidelity in Marriage?
Does that mean women are better at letting things go? True, says Weston, "some men think they can't fix it if a woman has been with another man. When it came to light, her husband was upset -- but then he looked at their sex life, his own rapid ejaculation and lack of foreplay and creativity in their time together. It got a bunch of information on the table," she says, and the couple is still together.
Most men would probably prefer to be woken up in a different fashion a clock radio is nice , but there's the rub: I saw them every second weekend, the usual 'Dad' set up. Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her. But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve — she felt betrayed. I hated her even more!
She never cared about me or my happiness. We were together for about six or seven years but never married — we believed marriage was not our thing. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along. Eve and I started snapping at each other.
Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am. I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved. I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in.
I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.
And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids.
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Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren.
Some therapists are excellent at supporting people to heal after infidelity, but many still operate on a model where there is a wronged spouse - and a 'bad' cheater. The person who has cheated therefore only gets one narrative — that of regret and apology. D oubtless people reading this who have been cheated on will be furious at me for suggesting this.
You want them to be sorry. They are unlikely to appreciate you have willingly ended the affair but still have complex feelings about it — and that you miss the person you were cheating with. Some people find writing about how they feel helps.
She has changed shifts and departments at work. We had even talked divorce a few times. I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. This is why they call many of their pay-to-play services, "health services. We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out. I blame him for making me do something I didn't enjoy nor want!
That might be documenting the whole timeline of the affair to work out what happened and what they might do differently if temptation arose in future. Or it might be letters that you never send. If you have a sympathetic friend you can talk to that might help. It can feel like a bereavement. They may miss the excitement.
Or maybe they just miss the other person. Y ou are entitled to these feelings, even if they are not ones you can easily express. Indeed, if this is how you feel, pretending otherwise can be counterproductive. Planning for this could reduce any anxiety you feel that your spouse will notice any odd behaviour that might lead to tensions in your marriage.
Surviving Infidelity Is Hard to Do
They explain how they are happy to still be married, but still have feelings for the person they cheated with. This can work if you have a competent therapist, but brings the risk that even the most understanding spouse is probably not going to find it easy to hear and it could cause further rifts. It does, however, provide complete honesty, which some people find essential in relationship recovery. Y ou say that you are glad to still be married and that the affair is over, but it may be worth double-checking this is true.